Nothing can prepare you for this...Part 3

After googling until my eyes hurt, I came to the conclusion that I probably wouldn't be able to find all of the answers I was looking for. Heck, I even came across a message board filled with posts from people who have been resusitated following a heart attack and lived to tell about it. Some of them described seeing the infamous white light, others described seeing angels and even Jesus. Some even mentioned that they had talked to relatives who had passed on before them. And almost all of them spoke about someone or something telling them that it wasn't their time yet and that they had to go back.

A few of the stories seemed credible. Others sounded downright bizarre, but I remember reading one account that really struck me. It was a young woman who went into cardiac arrest prior to undergoing an emergency operation. She rememberd being in excruiating pain in the moments prior to the surgery, and went on to describe how contented and relaxed she felt as she began to fall unconscious. At one point, she remembered the doctor's voices fading away followed by a pleasant silence. Her pain had disappeared and her only feelings were those of relief and contentedness. She remembered nothing after that until she awoke following the operation. She also had no clue that her heart had stopped. She saw no angels, no white light, nothing. From what she could remember the world went dark and that was it.

Reading that gave me hope. Hope that mom may have gone through something similar. She was at best semi-concious while we were at her bedside during those last few moments. On occasion she would react to our voices and something tells me she heard every word we said. She relaxed completely after that last shot of morphine and if her experience was anything like that woman's post, then all I can assume is she went peacefully. The voices faded away and her pain disappeared.

Not long after reading that woman's post, I had yet another near-sleepless night. I hadn't had any trouble falling asleep since I was completely exhausted, but it never lasted for more than 2-3 hours before I woke up and stayed awake for hours afterward thanks to my over-active brain. Although I had slept for a few hours, it really felt like I had been asleep for only a few minutes. I had no recollection of any dreams, which is weird since I had been having rather vivid dreams during the times that I did sleep. That night I actually started to get mad at myself for taking so long to fall back asleep. I just wanted to get back to that peaceful dreamless-ness. It was the only time that my mind fell completely silent and I was able to have a temporary reprieve from the grieving process. I wanted to get back to my happy, comfy, nothing-can-bother-me-now sleep-state.

And then it hit me. Surely, this must be what death feels like. A sense of calmness and tranquility that surrounds you as you slowly slip into a life-long slumber. There are no dreams and the world as you know it fades to black, but hopefully there is relief and freedom from everything that caused you pain. And if you were in pain, surely this is a state you might welcome with open arms. To be free of it all - forever. In a way, I hope that's how my mom experienced it because it certainly sounds like something to look forward to when your time comes.

In some small recess of my brain I wonder if it was she who woke me up and clued me in to those subtle details. She must have known that once I had the clues, I could probably solve the mystery all by myself. Thanks mom.